The Twenty Sexiest Women Ever, According to Men Over the Age of Fifty

I have conducted a poll to find out who the sexiest women who have ever walked the Earth are. I know, it’s been done many, many times before, but this is a survey with a twist.

Men’s magazines like FHM are always providing opinion polls of this nature. But they do this by asking their readers what they think. Their readers are young men; men with little experience; men who wouldn’t recognise beauty if it were paraded in front of them in a micro bikini. OK, maybe I’m being a tad harsh as men of any age can appreciate micro bikinis…

But, with age comes wisdom. Our fathers and grandfathers have years more experience in the art of ogling than we younger men, and that wealth of knowledge has now been tapped for all to share. They know what makes a woman gorgeous. And, due to their advanced years, they have been exposed to a far larger array of sexy women than less aged men. From this research, I hope we can all learn something about true beauty!

What the Old Boys Think

The top twenty sexiest women who have ever drawn a breath, as voted for by men over the age of fifty.

20 – Catherine Zeta Jones

• Born: 25th September 1969
• Best known for: The Darling Buds Of May
• Also known for: films such as Intolerable Cruelty, Chicago and The Mask Of Zorro
• Not so known for: having the same birthday as hubby Michael Douglas, but he was born 25 years earlier in 1944

19 – Diana Rigg

• Born: 20th July 1938
• Best known for: The Avengers
• Also known for: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, The Great Muppet Caper and Theatre Of Blood
• Not so known for: being the only Bond girl to have received a higher salary than the actor playing James Bond. She is also the only Bond girl to have ever successfully enticed the terminal bachelor to walk down the aisle

18 – Nanette Newman

• Born: 29th May 1934
• Best known for: Fairy Liquid adverts
• Also known for: films such as The Wrong Box, The Stepford Wives and having Roger Moore as best man at her wedding
• Not so known for: having hands that do dishes as soft as your face, whatever that means

17 – Jane Russell

• Born: 21st June 1921
• Best known for: The Outlaw
• Also known for: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and Playtex Bra adverts
• Not so known for: being turned down for a contract with Paramount as she was too tall and with 20th Century Fox because she wasn’t photogenic. She also has two mountains named after her breasts. I kid you not, they are called the Jane Russell Peaks and can be found in Alaska

16 – My Wife (All together now, ‘Ahh…’ – but we should learn from this; older men know how to keep their women happy, even when they are scouring the internet for hours on end, thoroughly researching the sexiest women in the world – how clever they are!)

• Born: it varies
• Best known for: being the perfect woman
• Also known for: her love of cooking, washing up and nurturing babies
• Not so known for: being your Mum, Granny or Auntie

15 – Virginia Mayo

• Born: 30th November 1920
• Best known for: The Best Years Of Our Lives
• Also known for: many films including The Princess And The Pirate and The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty
• Not so known for: being boss eyed. Rumour has it that she had to be carefully photographed to disguise this

14 – Jennifer Lopez

• Born: 24th July 1970
• Best known for: Diva-ing
• Also known for: trying to act in movies like The Wedding Planner, Gigli and The Cell
• Not so known for: looking like a guitar. She was nicknamed La Guitarra whilst in gyms as her body (apparently) looked guitar shaped

13 – Grace Kelly

• Born: 12th November 1929
• Best known for: Rear Window
• Also known for: High Noon, Mogambo, Dial M For Murder and High Society
• Not so known for: not being an early riser

12 – Liz Hurley

• Born: 10th June 1965
• Best known for: being in Austin Powers movies
• Also known for: modelling and having Hugh Grant cheat on her with a prostitute
• Not so known for: being a doctor. According to Liz, ‘A bit of lusting after someone does wonders for you and is good for your skin.’ All pimply young men will be overjoyed at hearing this; an answer to acne that doesn’t involve giving up Pizza or… hmm, let’s keep this clean

11 – Britt Ekland

• Born: 6th October 1942
• Best known for: playing Mary Goodnight in The Man With The Golden Gun
• Also known for: The Night They Raided Minsky’s, Get Carter and The Wicker Man
• Not so known for: being described by Peter Sellers as ‘…a professional girlfriend and an amateur actress.’

10 – Charlize Theron

• Born: 7th August 1975
• Best known for: Monster
• Also known for: being a model and films like The Italian Job, The Devils Advocate and The Life And Death Of Peter Sellers
• Not so known for: being a tad feisty. She is said to have been discovered by her manager in a Hollywood bank after seeing her yell at a bank worker for refusing to cash her cheque

9 – Catherine Deneuve

• Born: 22nd October 1943
• Best known for: Belle De Jour
• Also known for: Repulsion, Indochine, The Hunger, Les Voleurs and advertising Chanel perfumes
• Not so known for: suffering from stage fright, hence no theatre appearances. However, she was quite happy to get naked in a bath with another actress in Les Voleurs

8 – Ava Gardner

• Born: 24th December 1922
• Best known for: Mogambo
• Also known for: The Killers, One Touch Of Venus, Show Boat, On The Beach, Earthquake and being married to Frank Sinatra
• Not so known for: knowing how to make the perfect exit. She said she’d like to live to be 150 years old and die with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other

7 – Natalie Wood

• Born: 20th July 1938
• Best known for: Rebel Without A Cause
• Also known for: Miracle On 34th Street, Splendor In The Grass, Love With The Proper Stranger and West Side Story
• Not so known for: her very astute view of men. ‘The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.’

6 – Sophia Loren

• Born: 20th September 1934
• Best known for: Ciociara, La
• Also known for: Cassandra Crossing, Houseboat, Prêt-à-Porter and singing Goodness Gracious Me with Peter Sellers
• Not so known for: being a jail bird. She did some hard time in the nick for tax evasion. Well, 18 days

5 – Audrey Hepburn

• Born: 4th May 1929
• Best known for: Breakfast At Tiffanys
• Also known for: Sabrina, Love In The Afternoon and My Fair Lady
• Not so known for: having to resort to bizarre diets in World War 2. She confessed to eating tulip bulbs and trying to bake grass into bread

4 – Lauren Bacall

• Born: 16th September 1924
• Best known for: The Big Sleep
• Also known for: Key Largo, Murder On The Orient Express, The Shootist, Misery and being married to Humphrey Bogart
• Not so known for: having a kind of vocal disorder named after her. ‘Bogart-Bacall syndrome’ (or BBS) is a form of muscle tension dysphonia which is most common in professional voice users who habitually use a very low speaking pitch

3 – Julie Christie

• Born: 14th April 1941
• Best known for: Doctor Zhivago
• Also known for: Young Cassidy, Shampoo, Far From The Madding Crowd and Troy
• Not so known for: never wanting to be married despite dating some of the worlds then most eligible bachelors including Omar Sharrif, Terence Stamp and Warren Beatty. She is quoted as saying ‘Men don’t want any responsibility and neither do I.’

2 – Brigitte Bardot

• Born: 28th September 1934
• Best known for: being a sexy French woman
• Also known for: Le Trou Normand, Dear Brigitte and lots of other French films
• Not so known for: having a gift for infidelity. ‘I have always adored beautiful young men. Just because I grow older, my taste doesn’t change. So if I can still have them, why not?’

1 – Marilyn Monroe

• Born: 1st June 1926
• Best known for: being the legend that is Marilyn Monroe, aka Norma Jean Baker
• Also known for: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, The Seven Year Itch, Bus Stop and singing happy birthday for JFK
• Not so known for: belonging to each and everyone of us. ‘I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else.’

Christopher Fielden writes short stories and uses his published stories as case studies in an attempt to help show other writers how to get short stories published.